The Kneeslapper is a satirical series taking a humorous view of issues affecting our community. This story, along with any quotes from sources, are fake! No matter how believable we like to think our columns are, do not take our stories too seriously!

Students driving to Coppell High School may have noticed something unusual. I am not talking about the parents yelling at their scared teenagers to “SLOW DOWN!” in the parking lot. I am talking about the books that appeared to have taken a life of their own as of recent, and are actively feeding on students.

The culture war has become quite real here at CHS.

Blame our English teachers, who from elementary school, taught us books were “full of life” with stories all of us could enjoy. They have been proven literally proven right, unfortunately at the costs of beloved students.

Just earlier today, I was going down Parkway Boulevard to pick up a friend when, out of nowhere, a paperback copy of 1984 by George Orwell ran across the road, reached across the senior parking lot, and grabbed a handful of scared sophomores. It seems the only authoritarian regime those students had to fear was not the book’s Big Brother, but digestion.

Sure, the students came right out by the end of the day, and instead of being traumatized, they claimed they learned valuable lessons on free speech rather than being harmed.

But do not listen to them.

The Sidekick spoke to a junior who had been a victim of these attacks. She preferred to remain anonymous, probably out of fear of the coming-of-age novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

“What? No, it was a great experience!” the junior said. “It was relatable and I learned a lot about growing up. What do you mean, the book ate me?”

Clearly, she is confused.

Do not listen to her: our state legislators know better! They are here to save the day from such harmful books. Senate Bill 13, signed into law by Governor Greg Abbott last July, seeks to protect our kids from “inappropriate and explicit content in Texas public school libraries”. The 104 state representatives and senators that voted to pass this legislation are brave warriors: no other state has banned as many books as Texas.

The governor recognizes how dangerous these books are to us oh-so-vulnerable students. By banning these books, we can finally fight off an enemy that, come to think of it, no one really seemed to care about just a few years ago.

So, yes. Focus on the books “terrorizing” our kids’ oh-so-innocent souls. Ignore the other issues facing our communities. Ignore what the kids say about the value of those stories. They do not know any better!

Instead, let us fight, one book ban at a time.

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