By Nicolas Henderson
Staff Writer
@happenstance98
As 2016 approaches, we continue to hear about the presidential candidates from both parties making their cases as to why they should be commander-in-chief. A large part of every good campaign is the amount of money coming in from supporters. While most candidates have an assortment of various shirts, stickers and signs available to their supporters, some candidates have gone above and beyond with their “creativity”.
- Jeb Bush’s “Guaca Bowle”
Isn’t it stressful trying to fight the obnoxious holiday crowds while you are just looking for a good guaca bowl(e)? Don’t you wish a politician would prioritize this pressing issue? Well good news – Jeb Bush has got you covered. While he might be lacking in debate and poll performance, no other candidate has even addressed this controversial issue. Now you can add to your kitchen’s arsenal while being a part of the political process, and for only $75. Thanks, Jeb!
Isn’t it stressful sitting around all day trying to think of a good way to waste money? Fear not, Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio has got you covered. For a small $500 fee, you can have the personal satisfaction of buying Marco Rubio a plane ticket. So think about it for a minute. You could spend a lot less to help someone in need this holiday season, or you could buy a wealthy politician a plane ticket. Conflicted yet? Maybe this will nudge you in Rubio’s direction. As a part of the package, you also get a postcard from Marco’s team and recognition on his Twitter. That’s priceless! Also, if you only have $250, you can adopt a Rubio staff member for the day. Decisions, decisions.
- Ted Cruz’s “Blacklisted and Loving It” poster
This one is downright disturbing to me. I’m not really sure what the 2016 campaign’s self proclaimed “courageous conservative” is going for here. If for whatever reason you think this poster would be a great addition to your home, you can purchase it from his store for just $55. Is the poster not enough? For another $65 you could be the proud owner of this very creepy Christmas sweater. Thanks for making this such a difficult decision, Ted!
- The Constitution autographed by Rand Paul
Who doesn’t love a good book, especially when it is autographed by the author? Well, for just $1,000, you can get a hard copy of the United States Constitution, graciously signed by Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul, who had no part in writing the constitution. But he strongly believes in it, so that kind of counts. If you are not into that kind of patriotism, you also have the option to shell out the same amount and receive this one-of-a kind autographed zombie clown target. In all honesty, even though Paul has not had a strong showing in the polls, his store is easily in the top five of all of the candidates.
I wish this was a joke, but sadly, it is very, very real. I don’t care if you support Clinton or not, you do not want to be caught at your next barbeque using a “Grillary” spatula. She used to have an accompanying apron for sale to go along with it, but maybe she received too many complaints because it is not available anymore. While I’m trying to avoid common items like shirts for this article, I can’t talk about Clinton’s store without also mentioning her “everyday pantsuit” shirt. Why must you do this Hillary? Pantsuits are already questionable enough, but now a pantsuit shirt? Do you really want your supporters walking around in this?
- Donald Trump’s “Make America Great Again” hat
OK, yes, there are probably other more ridiculous items than this. But come on, that is one ugly hat.
Hopefully this gives you some ideas on what to buy (or more likely avoid) for your stocking stuffers this Christmas. If you really wanted to get creative, you could make guacamole with Jeb’s guaca bowl(e) while grilling with a “Grillary” spatula, in a Ted Cruz Christmas sweater and Donald Trump hat, with your signed constitution from Rand Paul and postcard from Marco Rubio’s team on the counter thanking you for your patriotic encouragement. But that’s just an idea.
Happy shopping!
