The Twist is a humorous column about life in Coppell. Please be warned that any and all disdain towards any topic is due to the writers’ similar situation as adolescents (even though we feel so much older). You, the reader, should not take any of these words to heart. Seriously. If this article makes you laugh, leave a comment. 

Yes, you heard it right, folks. Not only does he use a private jet, but our very own mascot, Cowboy Carl, was ranked no. 7 in the list of celebrities with the worst CO₂ emissions from their private jets, just between Kim Kardashian and Mark Wahlberg.

Now, why, pray tell, would our beloved cowboy need a private jet anyways? As we all know, Carl lives right here in Coppell and is only present at events that take place at Coppell High School. However, according to some anonymous sources, the cowboy with a smile seems to be hiding his true whereabouts. As it turns out, the man that’s supposed to represent Coppell pride actually resides in Irving.

Rumor has it that Carl was upset by the recently-lowered property tax rate in Coppell. Some CHS students reported having overheard Carl yelling in the boys locker room about how he wants to “pay the government as much tax as possible” and he “wouldn’t stay in a city that doesn’t take [his] money.” For that reason, he moved to Irving, which has a higher tax rate than Coppell.

The reasoning for the jet? According to my sources, Carl was ranting in his home about how he wanted to “beat that stupid, awful traffic on South Belt Line,” that he was “Cowboy Carl, doggone it” and that he “couldn’t be stuck in traffic with all those regular people.” For those who don’t know, there’s construction taking place on South Belt Line Road that’s causing traffic for CHS students who drive from Irving.

Alright, so the man has a private jet. How? Being a mascot isn’t exactly the most lucrative of careers. To figure this out, we had to dig up the district’s finances, since Cowboy Carl is technically owned by Coppell ISD. The district does publish its finances on its website, available for public access, but our sources mentioned that there was a coverup taking place.

The investigative journalists here at The Sidekick tried every method to obtain these documents, including some ethically questionable interrogation techniques. Alas, we were unsuccessful in that effort. However, we realized that we could revert to a simpler and more reasonable method of retrieving this information: breaking into the CISD administrative building and stealing those documents.

After a scuffed operation, we had those documents in hand. We noticed that the budget for “Transportation” was unusually high, up 200 percent from the previous year. We suspect that this updated transportation budget may be the category that accounts for the expenses associated with  Carl’s private jet. But, since the overall budget remained approximately the same, we discovered that the budget in the category “Educational Expenses” was reduced to compensate.

The “Other” subcategory within the “Transportation” category seems to show the crux of the investment into the private jet, but after some research, we found that the cost of a high end jet could only make up about 27 percent of the cost reported in that category. Rumor has it that the remaining portion is going into a private runway for Cowboy Carl at Buddy Echols Field. Insider information mentions that football games will need to be played in the bus loop to make room for the runway.

All this information was incredibly surprising when we learned about it and we wanted to confirm it with Cowboy Carl. I reached out to Carl, but received no response. Later, I found Carl walking to his car at the end of the homecoming football game and asked him to confirm these allegations. However, Carl simply kicked me in the shin and drove off in his rose gold Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Grand Sport Vitesse.

Follow Srihari (@_fgmx) and @CHSCampusNews on Twitter.