METROPOLIS– DeMarcus “Boogie” Cousins has teamed up with Rajon “Razilla” Rondo to attack the NBA. They have coined themselves the “Locker-Room Annihilators” and pledge to see the end of basketball as we know it.

Not to fear, the Justice League is here. They have vowed to ball-out until their last breath to defend the sport the world knows and loves. Every splash, triple-double, and crossover will be used to their fullest extent in pursuit of basketball liberty.

Let’s meet our valiant heroes.

Superman: Lebron James

He will NOT be taking his talents to South Beach, instead, he will lead the Justice league with Kryptonian strength, mowing down defenders as he attacks the basket. His flight has been proven time and time again from the block of Andre Iguodala in Game 7 of the 2016 NBA Finals, to the obliteration of Tiago Splitter during the 2013 finals. Splitter was so mercilessly stuffed that he has gone to the place where careers go to die…Philadelphia. James’ x-ray vision scans defenses and diagnoses them with broken hearts while he drops so many dimes that a State Farm commercial could be made about it. He has no known weaknesses as the last modicum of Kryptonite was obliterated when he did the impossible: win a championship in Cleveland.

Batman: Russell Westbrook

Did someone say Alpha dog? Move over Bruce Wayne, Mr. Westbrook is dropping triple-doubles in your Batcave. OklaGotham City has had many heroes, from “The Beard” to “The Cupcake”, yet Russell has been the steady constant along with his butler Steven Adams. Westbrook is a basketball genius, and while averaging a triple-double seemed impossible, his ultimate intelligence coupled with unbridled rage on the court turned the impossible into the inevitable. At a modest 6’3” he batarangs rebounds like that of a guy who tells girls the “he’s there for them”. In the blink of an eye, he drives the batmobile coast to coast, using the seat ejector to soar high into the sky as he attempts to commit homicide on rims.

Aquaman: Steph Curry

Shamu’s splash zone goes two rows deep. Curry’s goes from Oakland to the Bronx. This king of Atlantis seems to have been prophesized by an Oracle, everything he puts up goes in. Asking him to hit a three is like telling a shark to swim, it just happens. Steph’s handles are more deadly than a trident, defenders get their ankles taken by the undertow leaving them dead in the water. His only known weakness is a 3-1 lead, and it is a good thing Kyrie “Dagger” Irving is absent from the Locker-Room Annihilators or else we might see the Lord of the Sea swim into the Marianas Trench.

Flash: Isaiah Thomas

According to DC Comics, The Flash goes by Gordon, but the NBA knows his true name is Isaiah. Sneeze and you will miss him. At a menacing 5’9” Thomas goes from midcourt to the rack faster than you can say Shaqtin-a-Fool (which actually takes a while to say, but oh well). What’s that? A defender blinked? Count the bucket, and he will take the and one. He blows by defenses with a crossover so quick it makes Usain Bolt look like a middle-aged woman walking with ankle weights.

Thomas has been coined “Mr. Fourth Quarter” for his ability to change games in seconds, maybe because he moves with such pure speed that he can go back in time, but what do we know? We are mere mortals.

Green Lantern: Kevin Durant

The Green Lantern’s power comes directly from his ring, the ability to unleash the Durantula all rely on the powerful band around his finger. Durant has plenty of experience joining up with super teams, as he recently abandoned Russell Westbrook to play with four other All-Stars. Sure, Durant might be a bit of a cupcake, but with his back to the wall he can take over games, wielding his ring to destroy defenses with a mix of laser threes and posterizing dunks. As the protector of this sector of space, Durant’s wildly improved defense can be attributed to the ring, his long and lanky stature can guard anything and anyone.