Coppell Observer is a humorous column about life as a teenager. Please be warned that any and all sass is due to the writers’ similar situation as adolescents (even though we feel so much older). You, the reader, should not take any of these words to heart. Seriously. If this article makes you laugh, leave a comment.

Good afternoon, folks, and welcome to the Suffering Olympics! 

I’m coming live from the comments of an Instagram post, providing your coverage of today’s matchup between the Class of 2020 and the Class of 2021. Two senior classes, both of which were screwed over due to the coronavirus pandemic. One question will be answered:

Who has the right to complain? 

Right away, the Class of 2020 comes out strong with the missed experiences of prom, normal graduation and the conclusion they wanted to leave high school with. 

2021 fires right back at them, listing all they have missed as well: Friday night football games in packed stands, homecoming dance and the entirety of the first semester of their senior year. 

However, 2020 won’t back down without a fight. They retort that at least 2021 had time to mentally prepare for their loss; 2020 had it all ripped away out of the blue. 

Oh! 2021 shoots back with how they are getting none of the senior experience with none of the nation-wide sympathy – Twitter threads with graduation photos, virtual proms and graduations, celebrity speeches and well-wishes – and no end in sight! It’s blow after blow, and it looks like 2021 might just clinche the-

Wait! A last minute competitor has entered the fight! 

The Class of 1942!

Wartime rationing, Pearl Harbor, some dropping out to join the military, others being drafted to go fight Nazis on another continent – and what’s that? No Disney+ to pass the time? Well folks, it looks like it’s over, and the Class of 1942 is our sole victor. 

And since 2020 and 2021 have not had it the worst, they can officially no longer complain, feel sad or mourn any of their losses. We can see the medals being handed out now; 2021 receives the silver “sucks to suck” and 2020 taking the bronze “get over it.” 

This just in: results are being released for the other events from today. 

College-app obsessed senior has defeated SAT-stressed junior, leaving said junior with a “did I ask?” consolation prize. 

Man who just lost his job loses to a single mother who has been living in poverty since age 18, only taking home a “there are people who have it worse.” 

In the David vs. Goliath match-up, the winner, as expected, was the teenager diagnosed with depression, demolishing fellow teenager who just had a really bad day, who will receive a “you should be grateful.”

The Suffering Olympics would like to thank its sponsors at this time: middle-aged parents who say “kids these days” unironically and @snowflaketears3856001 on Twitter. 

Folks, I would like to take this opportunity to remind you of the rules of the games, as I can see some rowdy fans getting a little heated down there in the comment section. 

You can’t whine if you don’t have it the worst. If there is someone somewhere dealing with something more than you, you have no right to fuss about it. It is simply impossible for people to feel upset about things at the same time as someone else; only one person can be justifiably miserable. So, tonight’s losers can quit bellyaching, suck it up and deal with life without all the moaning and groaning.

And folks, if that makes you feel any negative emotion at all? Well, you can’t complain. 

There are worse things happening in the world. 

Follow Sally (@SParampottil) and @CHSCampusNews on Twitter.