The Twist is a humorous column about life in Coppell. Please be warned that any and all disdain towards any topic is due to the writers’ similar situation as adolescents (even though we feel so much older). You, the reader, should not take any of these words to heart. Seriously. If this article makes you laugh, leave a comment. 

The topic of Coppell High School’s budget is one that comes up more often than you think, with questions like, “how much is it?” or “where does it go?” or “does the athletics department really need another $5.2 million to change the color of the turf from green to dark green?”

The answer to the first two questions can be found in the budget reports for the 2022-23 school year. The answer to the third question is… it’s not true, but it sure does sound like it.

This leaves the rest of the organizations at CHS to fend for themselves without the warm, loving embrace of cold, hard cash. So what do they turn to? That’s right, the devil’s clothes: supporter shirts. (Yes, athletics also sells supporter shirts for some reason. The reason? Who knows.)

Have you ever wanted to become a walking advertisement for another organization, but you pay them to do so? Then supporter shirts are for you! Let’s break down why these shirts are quite possibly the worst marketing idea ever invented.

First, the designs. A shirt’s first purpose is to be eye-catching (OK, second purpose, the first is to be able to wear it). But come on, supporter shirts. For some reason, all the shirts seem to have the same, generic art style that you could tell was probably generated by an AI with keywords like “lifeless amalgam of vectors” or “soccer mom’s idea of fun.”

The designs should be full of life, color and intention.I can think of plenty of creative designs, say, a Sidekick supporter shirt. Maybe a retro, gritty guy with a mohawk holding a rolled up newspaper. Yeah. Now that’s eye-catching.

Next, the colors. Goodness gracious me, the colors that they use are as if we got transported into the luridly pastel world of My Little Pony. The colors are more bland and inoffensive than a boiled potato. These need bold, popping colors such as a Sidekick shirt with a black background and bright pink graphics on it. Now we’re cookin’.

And finally, the names. Where do I even begin? Names should be punchy and quick, not multisyllabic tongue twisting nightmares like “Rambunctious Rapscallions” or “Compassionate Clobberheads.” They should also make sense, unlike “Vocal Vuddies”—what does that even mean? These should be catchy and easy to remember, say, “Press Punks,” if we did create a Sidekick supporter shirt. 

Look, fundraising is important; it’s what The Sidekick is dependent on. But we cannot compromise on quality with terrible shirts just to make a few bucks. These need to be made with love and effort, quality design, vibrant colors and a great name.

That’s why you should buy The Sidekick supporter shirt, on sale now! Oh, it’s not on sale anymore…

Should have timed that better.

Follow Srihari (@_fgmx) and @CHSCampusNews on Twitter.