The Twist is a humorous column about life in Coppell. Please be warned that any and all disdain towards any topic is due to the writers’ similar situation as adolescents (even though we feel so much older). You, the reader, should not take any of these words to heart. Seriously. If this article makes you laugh, leave a comment. 

Lately, I’ve noticed that more of my friends have suddenly started to go to the gym. Because of peer pressure, I decided that I wanted to go to the gym. Alas, I am a lazy person, and it takes a whole lot more than peer pressure to get me out of my comfy bucket chair, and I know there are several people out there like me. For that reason, I want to help you all out. After minutes of research, I compiled a list of tips on how to be successful at the gym for beginners like me.

Keep a good diet

An important part of becoming fit is your diet. People may tell you that you need to follow a strict diet, but in my highly-informed opinion, you don’t. You see, motivation is correlated to happiness, and happiness, as we all know, is only correlated to the food you like. So eat whatever you want! Fancying a pizza slice? Take three! Want a soda with your food? Absolutely, but make sure you get a large—the small size is for chumps. 

See an ad for the Wendy’s Pretzel Bacon Pub Triple Cheeseburger? Dig in, but make sure to admire the sheer grandness of the burger beforehand. It’s really something to marvel at. But what if you come across someone calling your diet unhealthy? First, rude. Second, this is sadly an agenda pushed by the wellness industrial complex, and they profit off people eating their so-called “healthy” food when there’s really no difference. If you’ve ever seen research studies about the “dangers” of “unhealthy” food, know that all of these people have been paid off. Yuck.

Protein

I’ve read multiple studies that say that getting lots of protein can get you whatever you want. Good grades? You got it. National awards? Of course. Friends? Toughie, but it’s possible in some circumstances. I know I’d take this deal. If people ask how reputable these studies are, retort with this: “define reputable.” Now, what’s the best way to get protein? You may say meat or eggs, but numerous studies have said that the best way to obtain protein is a protein shake. 

Why protein shakes? The question you should ask is, “why not?” Protein shakes are the most convenient form of protein. You can drink it for breakfast. You can drink it on the drive to school. You can drink it in class. You can drink it during lunch. You can drink it during your drive back home. You can drink it as an evening snack. You can drink it in the gym. You can drink at dinner. In fact, you should eschew any other meal. Protein shakes are all you need. Protein shakes are sustenance. Protein shakes are life.

Best gym practices

Alright, so you’ve done all this work outside of the gym. What about when you’re actually at the gym? First off, you don’t need a warm-up. Go right into lifting those weights and running that treadmill! Speaking of weights, jump to the heaviest weights right off the bat. Can’t lift ‘em? Try again! Still can’t lift ‘em? Try another time. Still can’t lift ‘em? Keep doing this for 10 minutes, and there’s your weights workout for the day. 

Now, onto the treadmill. Set it to the walking speed of the average human being, which has been calculated to be approximately 0.78¹ miles per hour. Go at it for about 10 minutes, and there you have it. Fun fact: this workout gives you the same exercise as a two-hour walk outside, so it’s a big time saver, too. For the bench press, go for the heaviest weights you can find. Obviously, there’s no need for someone to spot you—you don’t need help, be a man. Ten minutes later, you’re done for the day! What about the other workouts, you ask? Eh, who needs those?

Those are some of my most researched and thought out tips for being successful at the gym. What’s the point of doing all of this, though? It’s the satisfaction of being able to post your post-workout progress on Instagram, walking around school like you’re better than everyone else and uttering the magic words, “yeah, I go to the gym.”

Shoot, I’ve got to go—forgot to drink my protein shake.

¹ The actual average walking speed of a human being is 2.5-4 miles per hour. If you thought 0.78 miles per hour is the actual number, then please walk a mile in, well, anyone’s shoes.

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