Coppell Observer is a humorous column about life as a teenager. Please be warned that any and all sass is due to the writers’ similar situation as teenagers (even though we feel so much older). You, the reader, should not take any of these words seriously. Seriously. If this article makes you laugh, leave a comment.

You walk into a crowded restaurant, aching with hunger. As you sit down, you’re greeted by a waiter, who smiles as you. Their smile is so gorgeous that you must go out of your way to make their day. But how to do this? Here are some fun tricks of the trade to being the best customer in the world:  

• Waiting for a table:

1. 1. 1. On a particularly busy night, it may be hard for waiters/busboys to clean a table right away. Rather than politely waiting  for them to clean up, just go ahead and sit down and watch them clean the table, and act huffy when they don’t do it fast enough. How dare they not recognize you need a pristine table right this second?

• Greetings:

1. 1. 1. Your waiter may start the night with a friendly greeting: “Hello” or “Welcome, how are you?” Don’t answer them, just start giving them your order. There’s nothing more annoying than a lack of common decency.

• Ordering:

1. 1. 1. After your waiter gives you at least 15 minutes to prepare your order, do not be ready for them when they come back around to your table. Instead, make them stand there as you stare at the menu pondering between the chicken parmesan or the chicken alfredo – it’s not like they have other tables to get to.
      2. When you finally do order, make sure you talk to them in a baby-like, patronizing manner for maximum clarity.
      3. If you have an allergy, don’t mention it to the waiter. You know that secretly they are superhumans who can actually read your mind.
      4. If your order is not ready within five minutes of it being taken, yell at the waiter, who definitely has control over your food, and demand to see the manager regarding this complete travesty.
      5. Finally, of course, give it 10 minutes after you order has been taken, before demanding a change.

• When the food is served:

1. 1. 1. Ignore the fact your waiter may be carrying a plate of incredibly hot food – do not move your arms, purse, kid or leg. It’s not like they’re already struggling to balance the food without burning themselves – make them move everything off your table to make room for the plate.

• Leaving:

1. 1. Don’t say goodbye, and certainly never tip. It’s not like the waiters earn minimum wage or something.