By Sai Sailaja Seshadri
Staff Writer
@saisailu97
I was sitting at a table with some friends the other day, hearing them discuss a recent test they had to take which turned out to be extremely difficult. I did not pay much attention to their conversation until I heard one of my friends talking about how her mother would react if she failed this test.
This friend of mine is extremely hard working, possibly one of the most dedicated people I know when it comes to education. But when she said that her mother constantly told her how she would have to resort to menial jobs if she did not have As in every class or how she could be grounded for weeks if she did not do well, I realized that her constant all-nighters and pages of notes were a product of fear.
My parents have been incredibly supportive and have encouraged me to do my best but they also know that every now and then I might not do as well as I hoped, so the way her parents handled the same situations struck me as odd. I have always worked hard to ensure that I am satisfied with the grade I get, not because I am terrified as to how my parents would react.
But as I talk to more and more people, I find out that it is not just one isolated case. It is apparently very common that parents use punishment more than encouragement and rewards.
This took me back to last year when I was in AP psychology. During one of our units, we learned about extrinsic and intrinsic motivation. Extrinsic motivation is when one sets off to achieve a goal because of an external factor, such as a reward or punishment that will be given as a result. Intrinsic motivation is the opposite, and is when you are motivated to do something because of something you would feel internally, such as satisfaction and self-pride.
Studies have shown that while some extrinsic motivation can be good, it is more harmful than helpful in the long run if there is no intrinsic motivation as well. Some rewards and punishment can definitely be helpful, but if a child only has those two and no intrinsic motivation whatsoever, it can eventually hurt them when they become too dependant and need to constantly seek for external factors to motivate them. This can especially be detrimental when they transition into college and then the work force, where there will be no parents for them to constantly tell them what to do, and they will instead be forced to motivate themselves and ensure that they achieve their goals.
In order to help them succeed, parents need to be supportive and communicate with them in a way that will help them succeed. While promising rewards for every good grade they get, such as a new car or a trip to their favorite city, is not the best move, neither is punishing them every time they get a bad grade.
Instead, parents should communicate with their kids and help them be successful by encouraging them. Rather than inserting fear into them, parents should help them become passionate about learning. I truly believe that if a person has real passion for something, that is the only motivation they will ever need.
Some might argue that if parents do not use punishment, children might take advantage of them and slack off, get in trouble and so on. That is also true. However, the key to ensuring a kid’s success is to balance out positive and negative reinforcements. Every now and then, if a child is refusing to cooperate, punishments are acceptable, but at the same time, punishments should not be the only reaction from the parents.
Having finished almost four years of high school, I can look back and say that one of the things that helped me most was being able to talk to my parents about anything without fear of repercussion. Their support and understanding are what help me not only do better education-wise but also grow as a person.
A person’s relationship with their parents can be fundamental to character building and success. It is proper communication that becomes the most important step to a healthy parent-child relationship.
