Thousands of UFOs filling the skies, cows being beamed up left and right, billions of grotesque creatures running around, an alien invasion would be terrifying, right?
Every couple of years comes a new craze about aliens, from Area 51 to the recent congressional hearing about UFOs. With the threat of extraterrestrial life always on the horizon, you may be tempted to lock yourself away in a bunker with a thousand rolls of hoarded toilet paper.
But why? Why are you so insistent on resisting our alien saviors? Why not accept them and their glorious rule? I’ll introduce you to a world run by our blessed alien overlords.
New leadership
Poverty, global warming, warfare, world hunger – all somebody else’s problem now! Humans have frankly been running the Earth for far too long. I’m not quite sure how we got this gig, but we’re grossly underqualified for it. Why keep stressing? Let’s all retire to a beach on the moon and let somebody else take the reins.
Abduction Tuesdays
Are you sick of your mundane human life? Of course you are! You know what could spice it up? Abduction Tuesdays! Is a guy named Steve talking in front of you at the movie theater? Watch him disappear, without a trace. Is a guy named Steve always crowding up the hallway? What guy named Steve crowding up the hallway? I guess TikTok is fun, but the only source of entertainment I need is watching Steve being beamed up, never to be seen again. You know what you did Steve.*
No more traffic
In a world with UFOs, travel would be completely revolutionized. We would no longer be constrained by the mortal coils of gravity, free to explore the skies to our heart’s content, soar with the great pigeons in the sky. Or better yet, aliens could introduce teleportation devices. Think of how liberating it would be to finally escape the Denton Tap Road traffic, to never have to wait 50 minutes for your bus to arrive again, to be free from walking or biking home in weather akin to the inside of a volcano.
Mosquitos
Tiny little demonic vampires, parasites of society, scum of the earth. I’m not entirely sure how aliens would get rid of mosquitos, but I have faith they will defeat these knaves, once and for all. The rogues will finally be brought to justice for their crimes against humanity. We’ve all been wronged by those in the mosquito clan and we will take it no longer. Never again shall a dastardly mosquito go unpunished.
New technology
If Star Wars has taught me anything, it’s that I need to own a lightsaber. Many underestimate the amount of problems we could fix with a state-of-the-art lightsaber. Are you infuriated by the sound of your alarm clock ringing in the morning? Lightsaber it. Do you feel weak because of your inability to open the pickle jar? Lightsaber it. Does your friend insist on wearing socks with sandals despite the crippling pain it inflicts on your pupils? Lightsaber her. The aliens are your friends now.
Join the alien revolution, don’t join the alien revolution, I leave that choice up to you dear reader. But I am fully ready to declare my loyalty to the alien supremacy and accept my place as the inferior species. Humans have had a good two million years, give or take. Let’s let our tentacled, green friends take it from here.
*No Steves were harmed in the writing of this column
