Coppell Observer is a humorous column about life as a teenager. Please be warned that any and all sass is due to the writers’ similar situation as adolescents (even though we feel so much older). You, the reader, should not take any of these words to heart. Seriously. If this article makes you laugh, leave a comment. 

My fellow Coppellians, I write to you from a laptop with no WiFi through Google Docs offline mode, typing with gloves on my hands while under a dozen or so blankets. With this, I hope to provide instruction to persevere through these unprecedented events. These are the times that try men’s souls. 

Before you write me off as just another paranoid wacko making a big deal over nothing, I implore you to remember the last time we had days off from school. A global pandemic hit. This is a serious situation, and I believe it is safe to assume this winter storm is the dawn of the new ice age. 

Here’s how to survive:

1. Put on layers 

When I tell you that you need to bulk up, I mean it. Every pair of pants you have? Put them on. It doesn’t matter if you are putting skinny jeans on top of skinny jeans, just get them on. If you don’t look like a cloth snowman, you are doing something wrong. 

Don’t just stop there; layer your bed, too. If you can add another blanket or pillow to your nest, do it. And don’t relax after that either, layer your room too. If you can hang another towel in front of your curtains or push another pile of dirty laundry along the bottom of your door, do it. You should look like the Michelin man inside a padded cell by the time you’re done. 

Do not, under any circumstance remove a single one of those layers. 

2. Do not go outside 

This may sound like a line from a horror movie, but stay inside. You may be tempted to wander outdoors for some sunbathing or do some casual lawn work and gardening, but I must beg you to resist the urge to do so. We are Texans; like our cars, roads, clothes and apparently electricity, we were not built for this weather. 

The one exception to this is if you want to go outside to take cute, aesthetic snow photos. In that case, feel free to exit your warm house. Oh, and remember step one? Ignore that, you are permitted – in this ONLY case – to wear a bare minimum sweater and perhaps a hat to emphasize the fact that it’s snowing. The cold will acknowledge that you are doing it for the ‘gram and choose not to give you hypothermia out of pure respect.  

3. Get creative with food

Though it might beseech you to order delivery so you can comply with step two (because surely those delivery workers are simply non-playable characters and have no lives, family, health and safety of their own), the smarter option is to think outside of the box with what you have in your own home. 

Do you have some candles? Bam, have a candlelit and candle-cooked dinner. Impale some wieners on some chopsticks and create your own rotisserie. Have some especially spicy salsa? This is the perfect opportunity to set your mouth on fire. Your body may be in Antarctica but at least your tongue will be in the Sahara. 

Another option: subvert expectations. Eat some ice cream, drink some ice cold milk, take some frozen hot pockets and consume them straight from the box. Show the cold who’s boss, alter your cuisine out of spite. Be a little quirky; you’re just not like other shivering Texas teenagers. Pull a Debby Ryan face, eat some snow straight out of your backyard and take pride in knowing the winter storm is impressed by just how unique and different you are. 

4. Pass the time like a pro 

Let’s be clear: this is no time for enrichment activities. Take it from my own experience trying to read A Catcher in the Rye while keeping warm; you can only do one or the other. It’s just too cold to do anything outside your blankets, so if you don’t want to sleep all day like a hibernating bear, my genius solution is to do a little live action role playing (also known as LARPing). 

Imagine you are one of the four wrinkly old grandparents from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. You know, the oldies who just sat in a bed and existed? Yeah, take your pick of which one you would like to be, then put yourself in their shoes (or whatever old socks they wore in that bed). Create a backstory, establish a fully fleshed character, give them hopes and dreams. 

By the time your power comes back on, you can make like Grandpa Joe and miraculously leap from your bed and dance around to celebrate. 

That is, if your power comes back on.

Follow Sally (@SParampottil) and @CHSCampusNews on Twitter.