Coppell Observer is a humorous column about life as a teenager. Please be warned that any and all sass is due to the writers’ similar situation as adolescents (even though we feel so much older). You, the reader, should not take any of these words to heart. Seriously. If this article makes you laugh, leave a comment. 

Ah, Valentine’s Day. A time of romance, neatly encapsulated in red heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, stuffed animals, bouquets, balloons and the occasional bit of jewelry. Everyone loves this holiday of admiration, adoration and passion. 

Unless, of course, you’re like me: single. 

For us lonely souls, Valentine’s is a cruel reminder of our lack of a partner. Rather than cuddles and kisses, we get puddles (of our own tears) and disses (because everyone makes fun of single people – even single people). 

This year, however, let’s find solace in these Valentine’s Day customs specifically designed for those who traditionally loathe the holiday. Take part in a few, and you are sure to see your Valentine’s Day go from mope to dope. 

1. Watch some romance movies. 

Now this may seem like an odd way to start off, but trust me on this. Here is my recommended watch-list: 

Begin with Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones. We all know the iconic romance scene in which Anakin Skywalker woos his future wife, the stunning Padme Amadala. With  a single line, he wins her heart. 

“I don’t like sand; it’s coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere.” 

Sometimes love is just random. It may not come with wits or charm or even good looks (let’s face it, Anakin doesn’t get hot until Episode III, both figuratively and literally), so don’t blame yourself if you can’t find that special someone. You just haven’t found your unfairly attractive space senator who is willing to overlook mass murder and a whiny attitude yet. Don’t worry, the day will come. 

If the “it’s not you, it’s the inherent nature of love” thing didn’t work, move on to a classic with Twilight. Insert yourself into the story, imagining yourself in the shoes of Bella Swan to try and simulate the feeling of love. With sparkling vampires who look like they’re going to hurl from your stench the very first moment they see you to whatever the heck Jacob Black even did in that movie, how could you not feel the intense passion and intimacy? Live vicariously for those two hours, and experience what it must be like to be in a relationship. 

Feeling satisfied yet? Did that spark some fire of fulfillment? If not, let’s move on to the last movie that is sure to leave you content. Titanic may not convince you that your lack of love is not your fault nor give you an escape to another reality, but it will make you feel better about being single. 

If you haven’t watched the movie, spoiler alert: Leonardo da Vinci dies. Look at it this way, love ends in tragedy, so why feel bad about not having it? Take comfort, not in your solitude, but in the fact that said solitude means you can’t ever experience romantic heartbreak. Really, do you want to have to answer the question of “which one are you in the relationship: the one who dies of a combination of hypothermia and drowning or the one who rips a whistle off a corpse’s frozen lips after abandoning said lover in the middle of the Atlantic ocean?” 

Proceed to the next step if this does not solve your aching loneliness. 

2. Create your own lovey-dovey setup.  

For this step, take multiple pillows and line them up on your bed in a row. Lay down and wiggle backwards until your back is pressed firmly against the pillow line. Pile on multiple blankets over your body and tuck numerous additional pillows beneath your arms to simulate cuddling. Now, close your eyes and imagine being happy. Perhaps if you imagine hard enough, it might actually happen. 

If you’re feeling a little spicy, put on some lovey-dovey music. A good option is Michael Bublé, whose self-titled album is both hard to read and features Bublé’s face frozen in the exact expression he would have if he were to see you in your makeshift cuddle pile. 

If this step does not cure your Valentine’s Day blues: 

3. Resort to rage. 

There is no shame in punching your pillow. You know what? Don’t stop there, channel out your anger in more creative ways. Have an ex that you hate? Print out their photo, hang it in a door frame, fill a sock with rocks or marbles, play the FOX Sports football theme song and start chucking. Did someone reject you? Bake your least favorite type of cake with their name engraved on it and let it burn to a crisp. Feeling angry in general? In your most heavy metal voice, belt out the lyrics to Justin Bieber’s “Baby.” Let it all out, my friends, it will make you feel better. 

By the end of this step, at least one strategy of the list should have worked in making you feel better about being a lonely loser. If it hasn’t, please continue to the final step, which is a fail-safe method of getting through Valentine’s Day.

4. Cry. 

Follow Sally (@SParampottil) and @CHSCampusNews on Twitter.