I didn’t make my senior overalls over the summer. 

I thought if I did, I would be unhappy, because it would be a constant reminder of the fact I wasn’t going to school in person. They would just hang on the back of my door and remind me of the experiences I would be missing. 

My mindset going into this year screamed, “Make the most of it, you don’t want to regret feeling miserable.”

This is supposed to be one of the best years of my life. There is such an intense pressure to enjoy it – to make the best of things, to look on the bright side – that I felt for a good portion of this year I would be wasting my opportunity if I was anything other than happy. 

Despite my efforts to keep a smile on my face and keep a positive attitude throughout everything that happened, I have cried more this year than any other school year. Looking for the silver lining doesn’t prevent the sense of being stagnant. I’m kept busy nearly all the time from the work I take on, yet I cannot help feeling useless because of all the things I can’t do that I would have been able to do normally.

The word “year” has been a big part of my problem. I can accept having a bad day or even a bad week – but a bad year? 

I didn’t want to accept it. Not when I’m a senior. Not when I’m the editor-in-chief. Not when I had such big plans for my last year of high school. This couldn’t be the year where I sat around and felt miserable. 

Except it has been. 

I wake up every morning at 8 a.m. and sit at a desk in my parents’ bedroom at 8:40. I sit there until late at night when my mom or dad comes in – the only break being lunch. Then, I retreat to my room, sit on my bed and keep working until I’m either finished or too tired to continue. I don’t even have the urge to make more time for myself; I don’t spend time with my friends in person, so what else would I even be doing? 

These negative emotions aren’t solely internally charged either. A flood of bitter feelings have poured out of me since the school year began – jealousy towards those who have the freedom to do at least some of the things they wanted to, disgust towards those who still don’t take the pandemic seriously, anger towards every single person who is making this horrible existence last longer and longer. 

Yes, I am grateful for the fact that my situation isn’t worse, but when it comes down to it, I am sad more often than I am happy. 

It’s taken me a few months to accept it, but I can’t make 2020 anywhere close to the year I wanted it to be. When it comes down to it, I am going to be unsatisfied with the year I lost, especially because I know nothing I could have done would have changed its course. 

Balance doesn’t always mean an equal share of two sides. When it comes to this year and my experiences, there are joyful moments and times when all I can think about is how life isn’t anywhere close to fair. I’ve finally realized my mentality moving forward is that forcing myself to be happy won’t result in happy memories, but as long as I make some happy memories to look back on, it’s OK to have a bad year. 

Balance is having both highs and lows. It’s being genuinely happy when possible but taking time to be upset when needed – not forcing one or drowning in the other.  

I ordered supplies for my senior overalls. 

I may not ever wear them to school, but the experience of making them is something I might regret not doing in the future. 

As for next year, I know the world won’t magically be fixed when the calendar flips to 2021. Regardless, I can take what I’ve learned from this year in dealing with my emotions and hope for the best. 

Follow Sally (@SParampottil) and @CHSCampusNews on Twitter.